If there are two things America cares about it's celebs and the future. Why celebs? Because they are popular and we are not, we simultaneously love and hate anyone who is popular and we watch with our hearts a flutter under our jean jackets to see what they do next.
Why the future? Because most people in America were raised in some sort of cult-like faith that told us the end of the world was coming. Many in the US want the end-times to come because they won't have to worry about paying off those doctor bills when it does. Besides the end of the world, the future is just exciting because, well we don't know what will happen. Do The Secret all you want, tomorrow is still a mystery.
So clearly the most important thing is what the celebs are doing in the future. Well, I can sometimes see the future and I checked in on some of the hottest US Weekly page turners and this is what I saw;
Snooki:
Everyone loves Snooki from the hit MTV show "The Jersey Shore" because she is only good at getting drunk.
Snooki today:
Snooki in five years:
Madonna
Madonna has reinvented herself a total of 342 times, each time proving that mediocre shit really sells.
Madonna today:
If you thought she was done with the reinvention, boy oh boy were you ever wrong!
Madonna in 3 years:
Jwoww
Another "Jersey Shore" cast member.
Jwoww Now:
(with unknown skank)
Jwow in two years:
Dane Cook
Not since Robin Williams has a comic made so much profit off other peoples jokes. Dane Cook is known not only for his comedy, but for his lack there of.
Dane Cook today:
Dane Cook in 7 years:
After his last movie "The Milf and The Busboy" (co-starring Uma Thurman and Zach Braf) tanking at the box office, Dane moves to Northern Kentucky, starts drinking a lot and finds a second career in Karaoke Night DJing.
Monique
Comic and extremely talented actress Monique has given a real role model to overweight women and girls everywhere.
Monique today:
Monique in five years:
After the tragic plane crash that muted Tyra Banks Monique was offered to play Ms. Banks in a Bio-pic. So she sells out and loses the weight. Monique keeps her zany sense of humor about the weight loss and dubs herself "Les-nique".
Sarah Palin
After losing in beauty pageants, losing the race for Vice President and quitting as Governor, Sarah Palin went on to the place where losers are given not only a voice, but a powerful one, Fox News.
Sarah Palin today:
Sarah Palin in five years:
She had a very successful run at Fox and along with the LDS church helped pass the first "No gay kissing before 3PM" law in three states. But when she was found out for insider trading, baby selling and murder in 2015 she was sentenced to 3 life sentences.
Lindsay Lohan
I think this girl was an actress once.
Lindsay today:
Lindsay in two years:
I have no idea what happened to her face, but I think drugs and not wearing panties are to blame.
Vince Vaughn
America loves Vince Vaughn because he is just like that guy at the office that makes jokes about boobs and "fucking loves to BBQ".
Vince Vaughn today:
Vince Vaughn in 6 years:
After getting paid an amazing 67 million dollars to film the balls out comedy "Old Dudes Gett'n it UpUp" (co-staring Harvey Keitel and Ashley Simpson) Mr. Vaughn moved to Reno and became Rip Taylor.
Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson has had a long and successful career as an actor, director and drunk anti-semite. Through it all he still tried to hold onto the smidgen of sanity that he still had, buried deep inside of him.
Mel today:
Until the year 2017 when the Pope announced that "women could be priests".
Mel in 2017:
When that happened he freaked the fuck out and started his own religion in South America. He will be there, with his 32 wives, 300 children and 400 slaves until 2022 when he reads a kids review of "Mad Max" calling the film "more like Mad Weak" Mel then starts a fire a destroys his entire compound. Everyone escapes and Mel is put into a psychiatric hospital for the rest of his 142 year long life.
